I hurt easily. I have always been a sensitive person. I have tried every mental and emotional blockage known, in an effort to keep myself safe from people looking to hurt me. I kept people at arm’s length because if I exposed myself and my feelings, they tend to get manipulated. I rarely felt good enough. Sometimes I didn’t feel worthy and yet, I have a sense of self-worth — or at least I think I do. I didn’t just keep strangers at bay, I did it to my family and friends. I know how cold I came across. Faking an emotional attachment was effortless because I did it all the time. This is not to say that I didn’t get close and let others get close, but I had a hard time. If I did let someone in, I was always on edge.
I resorted to food for this unconditional acceptance and no hurting I sought after. I ate my emotions. It did not matter if I was happy or sad, I would eat. I would numb myself more and more with food. Food never judged me. It would not take advantage of me and my feelings. It would always be there. No problem was too big or small for food. Food always knew the right things to do to make me feel better.
Instead of dealing with things in a normal, healthy manner, I buried them deep inside me until they were forgotten or no longer felt, but food does not bury things well. At some point things resurface. The one thing that hurt more once it resurfaced was the feeling of rejection. I was emotionally neglected by my father. I ate to fill the void that I felt. In the end, I can’t put the blame of my weight solely on that. I know my own part in this and that’s probably what eats at me more.
It has taken me a long time to learn to not hide behind my body or my insecurities. It has taken me even longer to accept these things as how I am, in order to change them. I choose to share as many of my struggles so that someone, who is dealing with similar issues, can learn that it’s not the end of the world. Overcoming these struggles did not happen overnight, and I still have to remind myself of this. I’ve started to find solace outside of food by exercising and just interacting with people. I keep my sanity by listening and relating to other people. I now know how to connect with someone without losing myself or being cold. I do this by always coming back to myself and collecting my thoughts.
I think this is the most that I’ll share about my personal struggles. I am putting myself out there and as I’ve said, it’s so that it can help someone else. Take what you want from this, but you can’t use it against me. That ship has sailed.
Until next time,