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My Demons

I hurt easily. I have always been a sensitive person. I have tried every mental and emotional blockage known, in an effort to keep myself safe from people looking to hurt me. I kept people at arm’s length because if I exposed myself and my feelings, they tend to get manipulated. I rarely felt good enough. Sometimes I didn’t feel worthy and yet, I have a sense of self-worth — or at least I think I do. I didn’t just keep strangers at bay, I did it to my family and friends. I know how cold I came across. Faking an emotional attachment was effortless because I did it all the time. This is not to say that I didn’t get close and let others get close, but I had a hard time. If I did let someone in, I was always on edge.

I resorted to food for this unconditional acceptance and no hurting I sought after. I ate my emotions. It did not matter if I was happy or sad, I would eat. I would numb myself more and more with food. Food never judged me. It would not take advantage of me and my feelings. It would always be there.  No problem was too big or small for food. Food always knew the right things to do to make me feel better.

Instead of dealing with things in a normal, healthy manner, I buried them deep inside me until they were forgotten or no longer felt, but food does not bury things well. At some point things resurface. The one thing that hurt more once it resurfaced was the feeling of rejection. I was emotionally neglected by my father. I ate to fill the void that I felt. In the end, I can’t put the blame of my weight solely on that. I know my own part in this and that’s probably what eats at me more.

It has taken me a long time to learn to not hide behind my body or my insecurities. It has taken me even longer to accept these things as how I am, in order to change them. I choose to share as many of my struggles so that someone, who is dealing with similar issues, can learn that it’s not the end of the world. Overcoming these struggles did not happen overnight, and I still have to remind myself of this. I’ve started to find solace outside of food by exercising and just interacting with people. I keep my sanity by listening and relating to other people. I now know how to connect with someone without losing myself or being cold. I do this by always coming back to myself and collecting my thoughts.

I think this is the most that I’ll share about my personal struggles. I am putting myself out there and as I’ve said, it’s so that it can help someone else. Take what you want from this, but you can’t use it against me. That ship has sailed.

Until next time,



About carolinafitness

Determined to succeed so that I can live the healthy and happy life that I know I'm capable of. Everything else there is to know about me will be aired in the blog with time.

14 responses »

  1. Beautifully written. I understand where you are coming from. I always felt inadequate in the eyes of my father due to my weight. It took me years to work through, but I have, finally and forgive him fully for it. I wish you the best in your pursuit. You have a lot of insight for a young person. 🙂

    • Thank you for all the kind words, they help a lot.

      Even though I know the true meaning of what I’m about to say, I must admit, I find comfort when someone else can relate. It’s not to say that I wish this upon anyone, but I don’t feel alone when I find someone who has experienced the same thing.

      Thank you for speaking about your struggles. Forgiving oneself and others is an ongoing process. We can easily revert back and essentially kill ourselves with the grudge, but that serves no one.

      And finally, thank you taking the time to comment. I appreciate that. 🙂

  2. I find that when a person writes such an introspective piece, the he nor she realizes how universal those insecurities and feelings are. Sometimes we feel that we’re the only ones, no one else can relate, I’m utterly alone in this. By virtue of you sharing these innermost insecurities, you’ve allowed others to become stronger with the fact that they are not alone. Also the emphasis that you place on the changes in your life were not immediate reaffirms that change and success requires dedication.

    Excellent post!

    • Thank you, Rob. You explained, rather nicely, exactly why I put this out there and why others should do the same.

      Growing from one’s past takes the same amount of effort and dedication as losing weight does. It’s all a process. The easy way out is always there. It never leaves, but you can become stronger to fight it better. That’s what I choose to do.

  3. Heartfelt. Genuine. Honest. Much respect. You’re not alone. Keep up the good fight.

  4. Wow Carolina – what an awesome post! I sure can relate since I so the same thing. When you wrote that no problem was too big or too small for good – that really struck a chord! Huge props for writing this and putting yourself out there. This is how I felt doing that video on YouTube – like I’m so ashamed of how I look what if I force myself to accept it? Great stuff! Thanks for posting for all of us that really struggle with this.

    • Thank you, Gabrielle! Loving yourself is really hard, especially if you haven’t been taught how to. I’m so glad that you are learning to take control of your image and putting yourself out there. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Keep being the beautiful person that you are and share it with the world. You have a gift to share.

  5. Simple Thoughts

    Beautifully written and honest, and feelings that I understand. 🙂

    • Thank you! I suspected that this would ring true for some people, but I didn’t know it was going to be this common. It’s unfortunate in so many ways, but at the same time, it’s nice to know that kindred spirits are everywhere.

  6. Thank you for being so honest and open. There are many people out there who can relate to this and may think they’re alone. Feeling connected to others through similar experiences is so important in healing. Best to you on your journey!

    • Thank you! I agree with everything you said. Knowing that you’re not alone in something makes everything easier. Sharing this has been cathartic for me. I had trouble with the decision to put it out there, but it’s evident now that I made the right choice.

  7. I can identify quite a bit with what you have written. It is always had to decide what to share as the internet can be such a horrible place. However i prefer to thinkg of it like this. Even if only one person reads this and is encouraged by it that is better than none.

    • I agree. I looked at it in a similar way. In the end, if no one relates to this and therefore, no one is helped, that’s okay. It helps me to put it out there.

      That to me is a good enough reason.


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