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Category Archives: Challenges

What I’ll Miss

Losing weight can be so scary. Sometimes, I focus on the things I’ll lose that have nothing to do with the scale. In fact, sometimes I think I’m afraid of succeeding because I’m afraid of finding out who I will become. I don’t think that a drastic change like a huge weight loss can occur and leave a person unchanged.

Recently, I came across an article by Kelly Coffey wherein she talks about the 5 things she misses about weighing over 300 pounds. I’ve included the article for you all here:

I used to weigh more than 300 pounds. I smoked like a house on fire, I drank like a blues guitarist, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I never, ever exercised.

In 2003 I lost more than half my body weight. In 2007 I started a wildly successful personal training career. Today I’m fit enough to run (though I usually choose not to), and thin enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into size 6 jeans (though I usually wear super-stretchy workout clothes).

You might think that when I reflect on my 300-pound self that it would be with disdain or pity. Hell no. The longer I’m thin, though, the more I miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away. It may sound strange to some, but here are five things I miss about my old, obese self:

1. Power

Being fat gave me natural physical strength. As a thin person, I have to go out of my way to be strong. Despite daily strength training I’m nowhere near as powerful as I used to be. Once upon a time I could confidently lift a couch into and out of a moving truck (a U-Haul, not a truck in motion — being fat never did give me super powers). Today, I labor under the weight of heavy things. I miss the natural, organic strength that I used to take for granted, the sheer power born of moving under the weight of my own fat day after day.

2. Comfort

At bedtime I lie down in a sea of pillows. My husband laughs at me, but I need all those pillows because I spent most of my life in a large, soft body. When I’m lying on my side, the feeling of knee bone on knee bone is enough to keep me up all night; I hug a pillow to compensate for the generous expanse of tummy my arm used to rest on. I haven’t slept on my stomach in over a decade because I lost the nice, round belly that softened the space between my spine and the bed. Also, I could write a whole post about how awful it feels to sit on a hard surface with a bony butt. Tail bones and hard seats: never the two should meet.

3. Perspective

When I was fat I understood that most weight changes are fleeting and insignificant. At 300 pounds, I wore clothes forgiving enough to accommodate ten pounds lost or gained, so I didn’t think much of it. Sadly, going from a size 6 to an 8 makes me nuts in a way that going from a size 26 to a 28 just never did. I miss the freedom I once had from noticing and obsessing over Every. Single. Pound.

As an obese woman I experienced the world every day in a body that was judged, undervalued, demonized, mocked, feared, despised, and avoided. Those awful experiences gave me more empathy, more character, more personality, and a broader, richer and more inclusive perspective than lifelong thinness ever could have (back off, deep and interesting lifelong-skinny women — I’m speaking for myself here). I also have a much more meaningful appreciation for my health and the body I have today, and I sure as hell will never take it for granted. Not to mention the deep respect I automatically have for every person I meet who doesn’t fit the (white, straight, middle-class, able-bodied) mold.

4. Friendships

Starting and maintaining friendships was easier when I was fat. Women rarely saw me as a rival and were less self-conscious than they are around me today. My larger body made it easier for my peers to let their guard down and be themselves. Because I felt less-than when I was fat, I was way more forgiving and accommodating, and I often edited myself for maximum social appeal.

Friendships today are more likely to feel peppered with insecurities. Confident and candid, strong and outspoken, today I present the real me, and, at times, ruffle the feathers of the sort of people I spent my early life catering to. The friendships that remain require real, sometimes uncomfortable heart-to-heart discussions, and true open-mindedness; they can be exhausting. When I’ve had a long, hard day, I miss the easy, comparatively effortless friendships of yesteryear.

5. Presence

Finally, there’s the weird disconnect between the size of me in my mind and the size of me — of my physical body — in the world. The “me” in my brain is big. My voice is big. My feelings are big. My attitude is big. Ten years ago, all that bigness was reflected in my body — fat, round, impossible to miss. Now, my personality and my body feel mismatched, like my mind is walking around in shoes several sizes too small. I miss feeling like a cohesive whole. I miss inhabiting the grander space I once did.

The longer I’m thin, the more in love I fall with the fat body I once had, and with the woman I was before I lost my weight. I’m the luckiest person I know, in large part because my personality and perspective were developed in the context of being a fat woman.

Today, I get to work with women and men of all sizes and all abilities. I love them — each and every one of them, inside and out — and I love helping them, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, to fall in love with their own perfectly imperfect bodies.

I enjoy her perspective, I really do. It’s not the typical stuff you get from people that have lost a lot of weight. These are not things that are easy to admit, but occasionally, if you listen carefully, you’ll hear people who have lost large amounts of weight say a couple of these things.

I know there a lot of things some of you won’t agree with and that’s fine. There are things I don’t agree with either, but I would love to know what you guys think about this.

In the end, the benefits of losing weight outweigh the consequences, but I think I still have a lot to learn and let go of first.

 

Until next time,

Carolina

Success

Success is addictive. It’s like any other drug or vice out there. Now, I know that being successful and wanting more success is normally a good thing, but like any high, too much of a good thing can be bad. Apply that to weight loss and you’ll see what I’m getting at. If it’s too easy and you’re too successful, you may believe that not doing much will afford you the same results. Success can spoil a person. I’ve had it happen to me. I’ve seen it happen to other people. What I’ve come to realize is that success that is hard earned feels a lot better than success that is handed to you. What happens when I fight hard for an accomplishment is that I fight even harder to keep it. If something is easily obtained, I don’t care if I quickly lose it because I didn’t invest much effort into getting it.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, I have noticed that I’ve been very complacent and content in not doing much. The enthusiasm I had early on is wearing away. I’m finding that I have to actually resort to my desire and drive to actually continue. It’s no longer “just happening” for me. I have to work much harder than I ever did before to achieve half as much. This didn’t happen overnight. No, this has been going on for a while now and I’ve just kept sweeping it under the rug because I honestly thought that acting like it wasn’t a thing would help me. Needless to say — it hasn’t.

Am I saying that I was too successful early on? Yeah, perhaps I was. I got comfortable. I’ll use an analogy: I was the Hare in my weight loss journey when I should have been the Tortoise. Thinking I’d figured this all out, I could rest on my laurels a little bit because I was well ahead of where I thought I’d be. Failure seemed so distant and I thought that I could “take a break.” What I didn’t understand was that failure is always chasing you. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t rest. It doesn’t sleep or eat. Failure is always just around the corner waiting for you to slip up.

In the illustration above, that’s me with the gorged stomach. That’s precisely how I’ve been about losing weight lately. The tortoise is whatever I consider to be failure. It’s too close and I’m vulnerable. I need to wake up. I need to regroup and get my act together. I’m really pissed off at myself. I don’t hate myself, but I’m on a precipice right now. I can either give in and let myself fall or I can do what I need to do and succeed the right way. I choose the latter. Here’s what my new picture will look like when I overcome whatever the heck this is:

TortoiseAndHare

 

This time, I’ll be the Tortoise. 😉 Success is not guaranteed. It is not deserved, but rather earned. I have to remember that. Here’s to humility! 🙂

In happier news, Titan was a bust! Woot! We got no snow. I’m also almost back to 100% health. I am really happy right now. 😀 I hope you’re having a marvelous Monday!

 

Until next time,

Carolina

 

Photo Sources: Here and here.

 

Better March

It’s March! I’m so happy that February is finally over. I don’t know about you, but it felt like February lasted forever. February was not kind to me either. I got sick in the final days of the month and I’m only now starting to feel better. Thank you for all the well wishes. They meant a lot to me. I’m glad it’s all going away. It’s all in good timing too. I have a lot going on these first couple of weeks in March and then some more stuff in the final weeks. I know that I’m going to be faced with several challenges this month, but I believe that I’m capable of handling them. In fact, I look forward to them. This month we’ll finally start to see some warmer weather, well, once this Titan passes us. sigh

Read the rest of this entry

Sick Day

 

After a particularly busy weekend, I’ve decided to spend today in the most simple way possible — in bed. I think I’m coming down with a cold or something. Everyone around me has been sick, but I’d managed to stay bug free until now. I also decided to take diabetic medicine, you know, because DayQuil has too many carbs, sugars, calories, etc. That was a mistake. The medicine is still making me gag and now I’m worn out from squirming. This day could have gone a million times better. Anyway, I hope you all are having a better day.

 

Until next time,

Carolina

download (1)

 

Picture Source: Here and here.

 

 

Super Cheat MMXIV

You may or may not have noticed, but I decided to take the weekend off from my blog to spend some with my family. I hadn’t really taken a break from this blog so I figured this was as good a weekend as any. While I was on that same train of thought, I realized that I haven’t had any cheat meals or anything. I’ve been rather good. It was also Super Bowl weekend so I thought I’d participate with my cousin and sister. I decided to have my first cheat day. Yes, I said cheat day. I know in a previous post I said not to do cheat days, but rather, cheat meals. That principle went out the window on Friday. I prepped myself all day yesterday by not eating much of anything until the game. Solid plan, right? No. I was so anxious to eat by the time of the game that I overate rather quickly.

Here’s a rare glimpse of me eating last night:

Mr Bean eating chicken

Before I knew it, I was carrying a food baby…

food baby

Yes, I stumbled and fell. I learned a very valuable lesson and this is not an experience I plan to repeat. In these two days before my weigh-in (and thereafter), I plan to eat as clean as possible. I plan to do all the right things. I will push my body to the brink, but I will not expect anything on Wednesday. If I do gain, I will accept my part, pick myself up, and I will continue. I told a friend of mine that I have a hard time accounting for the future, but I think this is a good time to change that. I have to stop living for that next weigh-in. I only seem to think about how the things I do today will effect my results on Wednesday. That’s something I need to learn to let go of. Today is a new day and I have another opportunity to better myself.

Anyway, I’ve missed you guys! From what I’ve read, you’ve all been doing exceptionally well! I know some of you had a much more successful Sunday than me. Oh, and don’t y’all worry, this weekend was not my reward for losing 30 pounds! I have something else planned for that. As the day/event draws nearer, I’ll share it with you. 😀

 

Until next time,

Carolina

Picture Source: Here, here,

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