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What I’ll Miss

Losing weight can be so scary. Sometimes, I focus on the things I’ll lose that have nothing to do with the scale. In fact, sometimes I think I’m afraid of succeeding because I’m afraid of finding out who I will become. I don’t think that a drastic change like a huge weight loss can occur and leave a person unchanged.

Recently, I came across an article by Kelly Coffey wherein she talks about the 5 things she misses about weighing over 300 pounds. I’ve included the article for you all here:

I used to weigh more than 300 pounds. I smoked like a house on fire, I drank like a blues guitarist, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I never, ever exercised.

In 2003 I lost more than half my body weight. In 2007 I started a wildly successful personal training career. Today I’m fit enough to run (though I usually choose not to), and thin enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into size 6 jeans (though I usually wear super-stretchy workout clothes).

You might think that when I reflect on my 300-pound self that it would be with disdain or pity. Hell no. The longer I’m thin, though, the more I miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away. It may sound strange to some, but here are five things I miss about my old, obese self:

1. Power

Being fat gave me natural physical strength. As a thin person, I have to go out of my way to be strong. Despite daily strength training I’m nowhere near as powerful as I used to be. Once upon a time I could confidently lift a couch into and out of a moving truck (a U-Haul, not a truck in motion — being fat never did give me super powers). Today, I labor under the weight of heavy things. I miss the natural, organic strength that I used to take for granted, the sheer power born of moving under the weight of my own fat day after day.

2. Comfort

At bedtime I lie down in a sea of pillows. My husband laughs at me, but I need all those pillows because I spent most of my life in a large, soft body. When I’m lying on my side, the feeling of knee bone on knee bone is enough to keep me up all night; I hug a pillow to compensate for the generous expanse of tummy my arm used to rest on. I haven’t slept on my stomach in over a decade because I lost the nice, round belly that softened the space between my spine and the bed. Also, I could write a whole post about how awful it feels to sit on a hard surface with a bony butt. Tail bones and hard seats: never the two should meet.

3. Perspective

When I was fat I understood that most weight changes are fleeting and insignificant. At 300 pounds, I wore clothes forgiving enough to accommodate ten pounds lost or gained, so I didn’t think much of it. Sadly, going from a size 6 to an 8 makes me nuts in a way that going from a size 26 to a 28 just never did. I miss the freedom I once had from noticing and obsessing over Every. Single. Pound.

As an obese woman I experienced the world every day in a body that was judged, undervalued, demonized, mocked, feared, despised, and avoided. Those awful experiences gave me more empathy, more character, more personality, and a broader, richer and more inclusive perspective than lifelong thinness ever could have (back off, deep and interesting lifelong-skinny women — I’m speaking for myself here). I also have a much more meaningful appreciation for my health and the body I have today, and I sure as hell will never take it for granted. Not to mention the deep respect I automatically have for every person I meet who doesn’t fit the (white, straight, middle-class, able-bodied) mold.

4. Friendships

Starting and maintaining friendships was easier when I was fat. Women rarely saw me as a rival and were less self-conscious than they are around me today. My larger body made it easier for my peers to let their guard down and be themselves. Because I felt less-than when I was fat, I was way more forgiving and accommodating, and I often edited myself for maximum social appeal.

Friendships today are more likely to feel peppered with insecurities. Confident and candid, strong and outspoken, today I present the real me, and, at times, ruffle the feathers of the sort of people I spent my early life catering to. The friendships that remain require real, sometimes uncomfortable heart-to-heart discussions, and true open-mindedness; they can be exhausting. When I’ve had a long, hard day, I miss the easy, comparatively effortless friendships of yesteryear.

5. Presence

Finally, there’s the weird disconnect between the size of me in my mind and the size of me — of my physical body — in the world. The “me” in my brain is big. My voice is big. My feelings are big. My attitude is big. Ten years ago, all that bigness was reflected in my body — fat, round, impossible to miss. Now, my personality and my body feel mismatched, like my mind is walking around in shoes several sizes too small. I miss feeling like a cohesive whole. I miss inhabiting the grander space I once did.

The longer I’m thin, the more in love I fall with the fat body I once had, and with the woman I was before I lost my weight. I’m the luckiest person I know, in large part because my personality and perspective were developed in the context of being a fat woman.

Today, I get to work with women and men of all sizes and all abilities. I love them — each and every one of them, inside and out — and I love helping them, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, to fall in love with their own perfectly imperfect bodies.

I enjoy her perspective, I really do. It’s not the typical stuff you get from people that have lost a lot of weight. These are not things that are easy to admit, but occasionally, if you listen carefully, you’ll hear people who have lost large amounts of weight say a couple of these things.

I know there a lot of things some of you won’t agree with and that’s fine. There are things I don’t agree with either, but I would love to know what you guys think about this.

In the end, the benefits of losing weight outweigh the consequences, but I think I still have a lot to learn and let go of first.

 

Until next time,

Carolina

Testing the Waters

Testing-the-Waters

Hello! How are you?! I trust that you’ve all been well. Judging from your posts, it appears that you are. I’m happy to see that. Me? I’m feeling surprisingly nervous about writing again. I feel like I’ve got my hand in the cookie jar and I’m about to get caught. In all honesty, this feels weird, but it’s a good weird.

Before I get into anything, let’s address the question that hangs on no one’s lips: where have I been? Well, the answer isn’t that simple. I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing, and yet, I’ve felt too busy to post. We can delve deeper into this in future posts. I know that this is not a satisfactory answer, and for that I’m sorry, but that’s all I have.

Anyway, if all goes well, I’ll start sharing my life with you all again very soon. I promise, I won’t go more than a week between posts. 😀 In the meantime, keep being the wonderful people that you all are!

 

Until next time,

Carolina

 

Better March

It’s March! I’m so happy that February is finally over. I don’t know about you, but it felt like February lasted forever. February was not kind to me either. I got sick in the final days of the month and I’m only now starting to feel better. Thank you for all the well wishes. They meant a lot to me. I’m glad it’s all going away. It’s all in good timing too. I have a lot going on these first couple of weeks in March and then some more stuff in the final weeks. I know that I’m going to be faced with several challenges this month, but I believe that I’m capable of handling them. In fact, I look forward to them. This month we’ll finally start to see some warmer weather, well, once this Titan passes us. sigh

Read the rest of this entry

Weigh-In Wednesday Week 11

Before we get to the fun stuff, I just want to clarify the confusion I seem to have created with yesterday’s post. I’m not depressed, but I did go through one last year. I’m very happy and relaxed and this has been the case for a while now. The only remarkable thing about yesterday was that I finally felt completely free of my depression. I wasn’t feeling any sadness or negativity. That being said, I want to thank you for your concern, though. It means so much to me that you care. 🙂 In terms of my posting, I’m going to be busy in the coming weeks. Don’t worry, it’s a good kind of busy. I’ll share everything that’s happening with you all.

Let’s go weigh me in!… Read the rest of this entry

Going For It

Last week, I spoke briefly about wanting to lose a total of 50 pounds by my birthday. It was a goal that came to me a few weeks back when I believed that I was on track to do that. Unfortunately, with the small number I pulled in last week, I’ve become convinced that I can’t safely lose the remaining 17.8 pounds. I’m still not convinced otherwise, but I want to try. So, why am I even trying? Well, I’m going to refer to this quote that I always see in yearbooks and tumblr pages:

Why shouldn’t I try? By trying, I will be pushing myself to be better. I will make better choices and do more to get as close to that goal as possible. Will those things guarantee anything? No, they will not. But, as the quote suggests, even if I “fail”, I will be a lot further and better than I was. In the end, there are more benefits in trying than in being complacent. I want to thank my lovely readers, Lauren and Stacilys, for encouraging me to push myself. I appreciate the encouragement, ladies! 😀

I have some sad news to report. Early this morning, my trusty scale decided to peace out (read: die) on me (I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere) and now I’m scale-less. I will enjoy my time without a scale for now, but I will buy one before Wednesday’s weigh-in. Anyone have any recommendations?

Well, it’s Monday, so I’ll keep this on the short side. I hope you all are having a happy and healthy day!

Until next time,

Carolina

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